- You don't want to sound strict and overbearing so what do you do to get their cooperation?
- You find yourself shouting, even though you really don't want to be a shouter?
- You are overwhelmed by all the skills - so this is what Kim did - take one at a time.
In this video clip taken from the online session on the Alternatives to Saying No!, Kim shares her breakthrough in getting her children to cooperate without using threat, manipulation and shouting.
- You would do practically anything for your children, right?
- Your love for them literally has no boundaries?
- You wish to give your child everything they need?
Although this is one parent's amazing story, I reckon you would do the same as well.
Although this seems like an extra-ordinary story, I still feel that this happens every day in many ways, through out the world.
This is a tribute to you as a parent, where ever you are, and what ever you do for your children.
Please share your insights, your inspirations or comments below:
This is what you will find out below:
- what values and characteristics form the underlying foundation of your parenting style
- ways to avoid unconsciously imposing your world view on your child
- what gets in your way of having really amazing relationships with your spouse/ partner and child
- how to increase your own personal growth which results in you being a better parent
I have spent a long time scouring the internet for some really useful insights into the different Enneagram types and how this relates to your parenting. I have personally I have found this incredibly helpful in understanding myself, my relationships, and my parenting style.
If you haven't taken your FREE ENNNEAGRAM TEST to find out which TYPE you are, then click here to have your mind blown away.
The www.enneagraminstitute.com is a really great resource and a lot of the information below comes from that site. Obviously I am wanting to emphasise how these insights can support you in being a better parent so have just included it here for you.
- In parenting
- In relationships
- In personal growth
- Understand more about how you influence your child's personality
The following chart indicates a few of the major expectations of each type of parent toward their children, no matter what type their children may actually be. Being aware of these unconscious expectations and not allowing yourself to manipulate your children into having to measure up to them will go a long way toward improving parent-child relationships.
|What Parents Expect from Their Children|
|Type one||May demand self-control, reasonableness, regularity, and the ability to delay rewards—that their child be a Little Adult|
|Type two||May demand generosity, thoughtfulness, helpfulness, and attention to others—that their child be a Little Helper|
|Type three||May demand being outstanding at tasks, fulfilling family hopes, physical perfection, and popularity—that their child be a Little Star|
|Type four||May demand sensitivity, artistic creativity, emotional depth, and understanding—that their child be a Little Therapist|
|Type five||May demand independence, studiousness, intellectual gifts, and curiosity—that their child be a Little Genius|
|Type six||May demand dependability, obedience, perseverance, and trustworthiness—that their child be a Little Trouper|
|Type seven||May demand vitality, good humor, resilience, and spontaneity—that their child be a Little Entertainer|
|Type eight||May demand toughness, self-sufficiency, courage, and willpower—that their child be a Little Entrepreneur|
|Type nine||May demand quietness, lack of demands, gentleness, and non-needinesss—that their child be a Little Angel|
One of the best attitudes for parents to have toward their children is
Although I'm not getting everything right all the time I've definitely felt an increasing shift in my handling of situations at home and an increase in flow in the house. It's amazing how having the awareness just allows for a gap, a pause before one reacts in a negative way and there have been many times when I've used acknowledgement, description, single words, expression of my feeling and it's really eased the situation. Above all it's helped me feel like I have resources and that's really empowering!
This week I was focusing on summatvie praise. After your suggestion of conveying the things we value about our children I had an opportunity to combine all of these.
One night the girls didn't want to bath and it was getting late. I knew the longer I left it the more tired they'd be and the harder to get them into the bath. At this point I gave into the old reward system. I put two small piles of jelly tots on either side of the far side of the bath (so they'd have to get in to get them). Then I asked them if they'd like to go on a treasure hunt in the bathroom.
The fantasy part of this immediately had them excited and they rushed off to see what was there and got in the bath without a problem. Now I still had to get them out because it was really late and they had school the next day. I was thinking of how important it was to tell them all the things I value about them and decided I'd write them both a letter.
I told them if they washed and got out quickly they could come and get some more treasure from me. They proceeded to try guess what it was, more sweets, a book, a toy etc. I said no to all but insisted it was still treasure. While they were washing I wrote them each a letter that went something like this.
'Dear Janet, Hi! This is Mommy. I Love you! You are such a wonderful, energetic, intelligent, happy, beautiful, funny, kind, compassionate, healthy, strong, graceful, creative and very special person. Love you so much always. Mom. PS. You have changed my life for the better and I've been so happy to have you in it. I've learnt so much from you, like how to laugh, be kind, have fun and not worry about the small things. Thank-you.
Mary’s one differed only with various qualities unique to her. When I gave them these they were excited to get a letter (in an envelope and marked special delivery) but disappointed it wasn't some the kind of 'treasure' they imagined.
I said "Ah, but this IS treasure, the best kind, because you will have this all your life to remember when things aren't so go good'. Then I read them each their letter. Janet wanted to know why they were similar but not exactly the same and I said because you are both unique, different but there are many wonderful things you share.
She was happy with that and then wanted to go and stick it above her wall which is where she's put all the certificates she's earned at school. Mary did the same and we went to bed feeling happy. Maybe it was all a bit much all in one go but I hope we'll be able to revisit that letter when things aren't feeling so good, as a reminder of all the things I love about them.
Thanks again for all the tools! You cannot imagine what a difference it makes to our lives.
- Your child needs to sleep but the siblings keep them awake
- You want to put the baby to sleep but you keep being disturbed.
- While you are with the the one sibling, the other also wants you to spend time with them.
In this video clip taken from the online session on Setting Effective Boundaries, Amanda shares how she decided to take on ensuring her youngster got the sleep that she needed. And it made a HUGE difference to her in time and energy.
Diligence is the third criteria needed for setting effective boundaries.Detail is the first, and Delivery is the second. Without these three criteria all being met, your boundary will not last.
Please share your insights, your inspirations or comments below:
This is the question we received.
Hi Robin, thank you for all the updates and reminders. I am currently having a problem where my child always wants her own way – she is 6 and a half.
An example is:
We are in the car and she wants track 4 to play on the CD, but track 5 is playing, that finishes and you put track 4 on but she does not want that now – she also sulks badly.
I think it is just trying to deal with her not getting her own way? Help it is driving me mad!
And this is the answer I gave.
Here are my thoughts on your question. Some of them you may not agree with, or like, but just look to see what might be true for you, and work for you. I am not saying this is the case but this thinking has helped me deal with similar instances.
The most empowering understanding I have about the behaviour that I see in my child is that by the decisions and boundaries I have put in place ( or not), results in what I see.
We have come from a society where our parents just told us what to do and there was trouble if we didn't do it. There was not much space for negotiation.
Our current society view seems a bit more enlightened that we say we wish for empowered children (and we believe we do), but we are no way prepared for the results of an empowered child (like you are experiencing). By definition, an empowered child is a child who believes that their opinions, wants and needs now have a right to be fulfilled (or at least heard).
And we create this sense of empoweredness when we give our children choices, or when we ask them questions about what they want, or what they think. Every time we change our actions after havening listened and considered our children's requests, we create an experience that if this happens this time, it will happen the next and so they will continue.
Now this I think is great from a sense of I want my child to be empowered. But it is useful to understand the following two points very carefully:
1) On the journey to being a considerate and empowered person, you will always go from being disempowered, through to destructively empowered first ( i call this the vomit stage as they just vomit their demands and opinions with little tact or consideration of others). And then with skills and intelligent parenting from you, you can develop their skills in being constructively empowered. So the fact that she may seem bossy, arrogant or brat like is part of the process. But the length of time she stays there will depend on your skills on successfully guiding her back to being constructively empowered while not crushing the sense of empoweredness she has just developed. (and that is where all my skills and training comes in, and your levels of emotionally intelligence to work with what comes up for you)
2) The sooner you take responsibility for your child's behaviour, the sooner you can do something about it. And what I mean by this is that the sooner you see that her "expression" of the behaviour is a result of how you have modelled, taught, and interacted with her, then you will see that you can change some of your skills, and you will see the immediate result in her. In other words, she is not to 'blame'.
For example, I recently spent some time with a family where they are really trying to get their daughter to be polite and be respectful.
They had had a great conversation with her about saying please and thank you. One of the skill they chose to use was if their daughter asked them for something without saying 'please', then they would rub their head as a sign that she needed to rephrase the request. This avoids the blame and accusation of "You didn't say please. So I am not going to give it to you etc"
But within 2 minutes, when she asked them for something and forgot to say please, the parents had also forgot what to do as they themselves didn't even hear that their daughter had not said please. So maybe 1 out of 5 times were they aware that she did not say please.
Now my ears are finely tuned to 'pleases and thankyous' so I heard every time they didn't. So it was quite easy to see that their chances of getting their daughter to learn to be consistent in saying please and thankyou is limited to the awareness of her parents. Now there is no right nor wrong in this. But it shows that if they want to really get to grips with this, they themselves need to take what they are wanting more seriously.
I have also learnt over time that there is a big different between what we say is important to us, and what our behaviour shows is important to us.
If this other family says that being polite is important, but they themselves don't even hear it when someone is being impolite, then I don't really get that being polite is as important to them as they SAY it is. So out of this I have a formula which says that children will only take boundaries as seriously as their parent takes it.
Now although this may not apply directly to your situation, the point of my story was more about taking the responsibility for the results you see with your daughter.
Once you have done that, then let's see what you can do to change those results.
My core suggestion to you is to see how you interact with her in these situations (both when not getting her way, and when she sulks) in a way that does not trigger your emotional roller coaster (ie look to responding opposed to reacting). Also, keep sharing what you are needing (or wanting her to do, or how to ask you for something, or how to ask you for something such that you are more likely to meet her requests).
Look at this distinction:
"Don't interrupt me when I am talking. That's really rude of you."
"I get upset when I am interrupted and I haven't finished talking yet. Please can you wait until I have finished."
The second phrase is far more emotionally intelligent, less accusational and is more general (ie I am upset when ANYONE interrupts me, not just YOU".
Always look to see how it is your responsibility to re-train her in what you are needing.
Components which I think would be useful to you:
- Acknowledging and working with emotions
- From punishment to Guidance
- Problem Solving
hope that helps.
Please share your insights, your inspiration or your comments below:
Your choice of words (whether unconscious or consciously chosen) has the power to be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. It can humiliate, or humour, hurt or heal.
The skills in language are the most powerful method to gain cooperation, instil confidence, problem solve, and create flow.
In this interview with Christpoher Nevill (an expert in the field of personal development and accessing your better potential), I explore with him how we use language to make sense of the world around us.
Length: 10:32 minutes
I have done many interviews with him and you can find many of them here
- Have we let our youth down?
- Are our parenting styles creating incompetent youths?
- Is there hope for you youths in a world that is fast deteriorating?
This clever video clip takes a look at some of these questions and shows how our values may still be ok
I had the pleasure last Sunday of taking Betty (8yrs) and Jane (5yrs) out shopping for Mother’s day gifts. Needless to say, both girls wanted to buy their Mums favourite chocolates so this took us into the sweets domain!
I wondered, how I was going to deal with this one – buy chocs for their Mums and not give in to their pleas for sweets too. A bit of forward planning helped and some skills from the course.
As we entered Pick ‘n Pay, I gently reminded the girls that we were there to buy chocs for the Mums. We then entered the sweets aisle and my heart pounded! I guided them into selecting the best chocs for their Mums and kept them focussed on this intention. Then the requests came.
So I reminded them again of the purpose of the mission but, that we could have a good look at all the chocolates and sweets and pretend to eat them all. So we went on a sweet adventure. Didn’t last all that long as their fantasies seemed to abate after a while and then they were keen to see the toy section next.
Once again I readily agreed but, reminded them of the purpose of the shopping venture. When we got to the toy section, there were two cheap bottles of bubbles so I said to each child that they may have one bottle each and that we would then have a good look at all the other toys. Happy that they had at least achieved one small toy, they were quite content to look at all the others without even asking for another toy.
They both enjoyed the toy fantasy and were soon ready to head off and finish Mother’s Day shopping without even a prompt from me. Clearly their fantasies in the toy section had also been fulfilled. Maybe I did not win altogether by buying two toys (R8,95 each) but, it was a lot better than any previous visits to toy sections where I may have spent at least R50 or R60 on one child only.
That day I got away with R17,90 for the two girls and I might add that the bubbles kept them busy for quite a while in the garden when we got home. After these two “dangerous” areas were behind me, the next store revealed expensive jewellery etc. A new challenge developed.
Now I was not going to buy the girls anything so after the previous store practice runs I engaged in fantasy altogether. Even letting the girls try on various pearl necklaces and telling them how wonderful they looked. They didn’t even ask me to buy anything and we emerged from this expensive store with a coffee mug and bath fizzer for each Mum. A better run. In fact a total victory!
This will help you understand your parenting style better.
A few weeks ago (17th May, you can see it here)I posted a blog on how you can do the DISC personality profile test (worth $250) for free. And below are some interpretations on how those scores relate to your parenting style and why some of that 'FLOW' in the home may not be working as well as you want.
I am a high 'S' and 'C' type whcih means I love stability, routine and attention to detail. No wonder I am good at setting boundaries and ensuring they are kept. My profile is also great at doing it the correct way the first time (great for getting cooperation and discipline).
But I'm a low 'I' which means I am more introverted and 'cool'. The children find me less approachable, and difficult to read. It now makes sense why I spend so much time on learning communication skills because I was never a natural. I had to learn all the tricks so I could get the results I need.
Here are my last 2 days of work on finding insights and material so you can interpet your own scores form the perspective of parenting and better understand why you parent the style you do, and how you can avoid some of the mistakes you didn't know the causes of.
The quickest and most powerful way to change a child's behaviour is to see what it is that you are doing that is creating it. Now I say it is the quickest but it is not the most comfortable.
When our children misbehave, it is easier to see our children as the problem, and that something is going on within them that must now change. But children behave within a bigger context, and that context is often created by ourselves as the parents.
An empowered parent looks to see what they are doing that is contributing to the behaviour that they don't like, and as such, can now find different ways to influence the change in that behaviour.
In this interview with Christpoher Nevill (an expert in the field of personal development and accessing your better potential), I explore with him the courage it takes to see your children as mirrors of what is going on for you as well.
length: 9:42 minutes
I have done many interviews with him and you can find many of them here
- Struggling to get your chlid's room tidy, and then kept that way?
- Want to know how to inspire them to step up to doing their chores and helping out in the house?
- Do you know how to make them do things they may not like doing?
In this video clip taken from the online session on Descriptive Praise, Kim shares her story on how she did it.
Summative praise is the most powerful skill to boost self esteem and change behaviour in one single statement.
A teacher gets a wake up call when she has pre-judged a child to be naughty.
Teachers need to be more open to seeing the world from a child's perspective. Schooling is not just about reading and writting but also about friendships, care, love, and happiness.
Today, I was struggling to get Tyler and Oliver (both 3 years old) inside the classroom from the balcony, to settle down with some work. After describing that the washing line on the balcony would break if hung upon and that we need to be gentle with it, and reminding them of the groundrules for the balcony, I still had no success!
By this point I was frustrated and losing my patience as this had been going on and on and off for about 15 minutes. Aware of my feelings, I knelt down to their level and looked them in the eyes and calmly yet assertively said: “I feel angry when people do not listen to what I say!”
I wasn’t sure this sat right with me? So I had another go and said: “ I feel angry when my words are not heard!” With that I extended my hand to lead them back to the classroom and they followed.
I have been generalising alot this week (this was my goal), but I have often struggled to find a way of saying what I need to say. I noticed myself replacing “you” with “children” (eg. “I feel angry when children do not listen to me!”). This still did not sit right with me. I have therefore started using “people” since (as in above weekly example with Oliver and Tyler).
I also found that this sentence is so much more powerful: “I feel angry when I am ignored!”
I have also enjoyed using the short and sweet skill eg. “packaway” or “snackmat” etc. I have found it very simple and effective!!!
Once you have taken your test, read how your type influences your parenting style here:Disc and parent styles
If you struggle to get your children to cooperate with you, or to take your boundaries seriously, it may be due to you both having different behavioural personality types.
You may be a parent who expects your boundaries to be met (you would therefore be a high "C" parent) but if your child is a high "I", they don't like consistency and hard fast rules. The outcome: a lot of stress, tension and misunderstanding.
But now imagine that you know which type you are, and which type they are, then you would now know which appropriate skills and techniques to use to get what you needed done.
Or what about your child's needs as a way of guidance from you?
• High “D” children need challenge and dominance.
• High “I” children need recognition and interaction.
• High “S” children needs appreciation and service.
• High “C” children needs quality answers and correctness.
Can you see that your way of interacting with them could now change with awareness and understanding of your different default styles? How much more empowered you can act knowing which style of parenting skills to use to impact your child respectfully and effectively?
The Tony Robbins test will give you HUGE insight into your personality. And then I will share with you how to interpret your DISC scores in the context of parenting. Just make sure you have signed up to receive my blog notifications as within the next 3 weeks I will be posting some results for how you can use your own personality DISC scores to determine your parenting styles and challenges (you can sign up for the blog updates in the top right hand side of this web page. But if you aren't signed up I can't send them to you).
Here is a link to taking the DISC profile personality test provided by Tony Robbins (value is $250). He is one of the world's best life coaches (and he gives it to you for free).
Click here for the TONY ROBBINS DISC PROFILE TEST
I am so excited for you find out some valuable insights into your personality styles (just make sure you receive my blog updates so you can get the parenting interpretations when I send them out. Sign up in the top right hand side of this web page.)
You can now view what this means for your parenting style on my blog:
This Personal Strengths Profile, or Disc Index, is a modern interpretation of Dr. William Marston's behavioral dimensions. Marston's research uncovered four quadrants of behavior which help to understand a person's behavioral preferences. This Disc Index will help you understand your behavioral style and how to maximize your potential.
"Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom.
Mastering others is strength, mastering yourself is true power."
- Do you sometimes shout or threaten your children and then feel guilty afterwards?
- Do you feel you don't spend enough time with your chidlren and you can see the negative impact on them?
- You know you can do more for them, but then there's time, money and just getting through each day.
The parents who really value the work that I do have a strong drive to better themselves and the lives of their children. And with this drive, also comes a sense of guilt if they don't feel they are giving their children the best.
In this interview with Christpoher Nevill (an expert in the field of personal development and accessing your better potential), I explore with him this element of guilt and the role it plays in parenting.