Self Esteem example

I feel like such a phony saying some of these things. Even my child looks at me as though something is wrong.

Any change in patterns will probably be recognised to some degree by our children. At the same time, trying a new pattern is like trying on a new shoe. You are very aware that it is a new shoe and at times it may even give you a few blisters. I have found that within a short time I can tap into their feelings much more quickly and I feel I can respond genuinely. It is not about trying to make up something but about recognising some important part of them as well.

When I see my child is upset, can I ask my child directly, “Why do you feel that way?”

Some children are able and articulate to tell you why they may be angry, sad, or unhappy. For many children however, the question “WHY?” may add to their original distress in that they now have to think of how to analise and respond to your question. It can detach them from their emotional processing. Very often children (and adults!) don’t know why they are feeling upset. At other times, a child may not wish to tell you because they fear you will judge their responses and maybe their reasons will not seem good enough, (‘For that you are crying?’)

I have found that by saying “It looks as though something is making you a bit upset?” creates an opportunity to engage if they so wish. The choice is then theirs. Sometimes, “Do you want to tell me why you are upset?” works as it still gives the child a choice to engage or stay put with their feelings. The underlying message is then, “when you are ready, I will listen.”

So do we have to agree with our child’s feelings?

Children do not seem to need their feelings agreed with. More importantly for anyone is that in a moment of distress it is not agreement nor disagreement that they need; they need someone to recognise what it is that they are experiencing.

So why can’t I just say, “I understand how you feel?”

The main problem with saying that you understand how they feel is that many children simply do not believe you. They may even answer “No you don’t”. The trick seems to be in conveying this understanding to them so they can hear and therefore accept that you truly do understand. Be more specific about your understanding “The first day of school can be scary- so many new things to get used to and people you don’t know.”

I get really angry when my child says “I hate you daddy!” I don’t know how to react.

A relationship works both ways. You also have feelings which may become hurt and these need to be conveyed. You may want to let your child know this, “I didn’t like what I just heard. If you are angry about something tell it to me in another way. Then maybe I can be helpful.”

If I accept all my child’s feelings, won’t that give her the idea that everything she does is all right with me? I don’t want to be a permissive parent with no boundaries.

There is an important distinction here. Accepting a person’s feelings is different to accepting their responses to those feelings or their behaviour resulting from those feelings. It is not the feelings in question. A person will have those feelings, whether they seem justified or not. We have very little control over our feelings, yet we can exercise control and discretion over our response to those feelings.

“I can see that you are having fun making designs in the butter with your fork.” As you remove the butter you can also let the budding ‘artist’ know, “Butter is not for playing with. If you want to make designs, you can use your clay or we can make some more play dough for you.”

It seems that when we accept our children’s feelings, they are more able to accept the limits we set for them.

I have all this life wisdom I have learnt from my experiences. Why can’t I give advice when my child is in a spot?

The most important aspect of giving advice is in the timing. When we give children advice or instant solutions, we deprive them of the experience that comes from wrestling with their own problems. Ask yourself from where you got your life wisdom? Perhaps the time to give advice is when you are sharing ideas or in reflection on the incident. Starting off like this usually works, “What sometimes works for me is to …”

I find that I am realising the implications of what I have said or done just after I have said or done it. Sometimes it hits me the next day. I feel so guilty.

Life with children is open ended. The door is never closed to go and revisit the incidents we feel guilty about. There is always another opportunity- later in the day or week. You can always begin by saying “I’ve been thinking about what I said yesterday. It didn’t come out right. I was hoping that perhaps we can find another way to …”. Compassion is always appreciated, whether is comes sooner or later.