Ask yourself this question when you feel guilty about your parenting techniques
- Do you sometimes shout or threaten your children and then feel guilty afterwards?
- Do you feel you don't spend enough time with your chidlren and you can see the negative impact on them?
- You know you can do more for them, but then there's time, money and just getting through each day.
The parents who really value the work that I do have a strong drive to better themselves and the lives of their children. And with this drive, also comes a sense of guilt if they don't feel they are giving their children the best.
In this interview with Christpoher Nevill (an expert in the field of personal development and accessing your better potential), I explore with him this element of guilt and the role it plays in parenting.
Our before work and school morning routine was not really working for me
Our before work and school morning routine was not really working for me in that my focus was constantly around getting Jane ready for school at her pace and then having to rush to get myself dressed and looking respectable in the remaining few minutes that were granted to me so that we left on time.
I decided that I would address the issue by first acknowledging Jane’s feelings around not wanting to get dressed as soon as she wakes up and not wanting to eat breakfast until I was dressed and then establishing some sort of a contract with her as a solution to the morning ‘’flow’’ issue.
I acknowledged that I understood that she does not like being rushed out of bed on a cold winter’s morning to immediately get dressed and I acknowledged that she does not like to sit and eat breakfast alone while I play catch up on sorting myself out.
She then suggested that she watch BBC while I get dressed and ready for work. Initially I thought ‘’not a good idea, T.V. will just create distraction and delays and I do not particularly want the T.V. on in the morning’’ but after some thought I suggested the following:
First, I would wake her up before I make coffee so that she can lie in bed for 15 minutes before having to get dressed, then I would help her get dressed while having coffee and a conversation with her about the day and then finally once she was fully dressed with brushed hair and washed face we would make her breakfast and she could eat while watching 20 mins of BBC and I could get dressed and ready in a less manic state!
I communicated to her that the T.V. idea would only work if after 20 minutes when I asked her to come and brush her teeth she would do so willingly and she replied by saying that she could do it so long as I gave her a 5 minute warning before teeth time.
We have now tried the above routine for the last 4 mornings and every morning has been a success, we are actually arriving at school earlier than before and I am feeling in one piece when I walk out the door!
Both were making a cake, but both wanted to be first at pouring the milk in the bowl.
Niki and her friend Ammie were making a cake, but both wanted to be first at pouring the milk in the bowl.
Niki: you're always first
Ammie: no you're always first, I want to be first
Mom, using the skills of describing the problem. Hey guys, I see two children who both want to pour milk in and there is only one bowl. How can we find a way to make this work?
Ammie: I've got a brilliant idea! At my house you can be first and at you're house, I can be first, ok?
Niki: Ok.
Even though it’s not quite the answer that I would have wanted, it was still creative and seemed to work for them. No fighting.
Our different parenting styles were a real source of conflict in our marriage
I had to apologise to Lynden today - my more tricky middle, Aspergerish child. On Monday, when it was hot, I had parked quite far from the school and he had to walk a block with no shoes on. He moaned and groaned and moaned and groaned and nothing I said could stop the whining.
I had promised an ice cream or ice bite, but when I got home I said " that's it - No Ice creams for kids who moan and complain so much". While I said that I noticed that I was really mean and that I felt pure revenge. He was really mad.
Today I apologised to him - told him that I was wrong not to buy him an ice cream without warning him first that that would be a consequence. He appreciated the apology, and I got a hug tonight - quite a rare occurrence.
The course has been so good for us. I'm glad we have done it together as our different parenting styles were a real source of conflict in our marriage and neither of us really knew how to right it. I've still got a long way to go, but the mood in the house has changed and there is a whole lot less frustration and aggression all round. I didn't think that would be possible.
Learning this can bring up stuff from my past
I found last weeks lessons very tough and emotional. I feel part of nurturing your children’s self esteem is evaluating your own childhood. I have been guilty of the same things as my parents by rote praising. I don't think they have been believing the praise.
Like mother like sons. I have really concentrated on acknowledging and describing my kids little daily achievements. the results have been heart warming. I had my first opportunity on Wednesday morning.
While I was trying to get ready for the day Jack and Theodore were playing nearby and having a really wonderful time. Jack was being really gentle and caring with Theodore and sharing his little treasures, (not the usual behaviour) I said to Jack that he was a really wonderful brother. I saw how well he was sharing his things and being gentle with his little brother.
He looked at me and said "I know mommy" so I told him I just wanted him to know that I had noticed how sweet he was being. His little face lit up and he just said thanks and carried on. He has definitely been playing in a gentler way with Theodore since then. There have been numerous little successes like this but this is the one that stands out.
I had my anger: it didn't have me.
As I mentioned in the workshop last week, I have found each segment of the course to be very dense and loaded with food for thought. It has had a significant impact for me in rethinking how I communicate with my children and more specifically what I communicate to them.
Last week I chose to look for more appropriate ways to praise Jenny as often what I had been saying and doing previously left her feeling frustrated. As occasions presented themselves, I described things clearly for her and gave her recognition by choosing specific words, that even if she did not understand them, she then asked me what they meant.
During these times of more cognitive praise Jenny was far more interested in what I had to say and would actually stop what she was doing to listen to what I was saying. My general shift in language in the home has contributed to Jenny's awareness of language and how it can work for her.
One evening while I was tying up her hair for bath, she told me specifically how she is a 'problem-solver' and a 'listener'. In both cases she gave me examples of how she fulfills these roles in school. This week has again been empowering. The most remarkable change for me is that I'm finding it far easier to remain calm even when angry.
Using the skill of 'having my anger and not being my anger' has helped me to work through difficult issues with the children. By clearly stating upfront where my boundary lay with certain situations the children were able to respond and not feel intimidated by my anger.
We have all been much happier and finding it easier to look for alternative solutions and then engaging them to diffuse difficult situations. Thank you for your insights and I look forward to this week's session.
How my letters to my daughters showed my love
Although I'm not getting everything right all the time I've definitely felt an increasing shift in my handling of situations at home and an increase in flow in the house. It's amazing how having the awareness just allows for a gap, a pause before one reacts in a negative way and there have been many times when I've used acknowledgement, description, single words, expression of my feeling and it's really eased the situation. Above all it's helped me feel like I have resources and that's really empowering!
This week I was focusing on summatvie praise. After your suggestion of conveying the things we value about our children I had an opportunity to combine all of these.
One night the girls didn't want to bath and it was getting late. I knew the longer I left it the more tired they'd be and the harder to get them into the bath. At this point I gave into the old reward system. I put two small piles of jelly tots on either side of the far side of the bath (so they'd have to get in to get them). Then I asked them if they'd like to go on a treasure hunt in the bathroom.
The fantasy part of this immediately had them excited and they rushed off to see what was there and got in the bath without a problem. Now I still had to get them out because it was really late and they had school the next day. I was thinking of how important it was to tell them all the things I value about them and decided I'd write them both a letter.
I told them if they washed and got out quickly they could come and get some more treasure from me. They proceeded to try guess what it was, more sweets, a book, a toy etc. I said no to all but insisted it was still treasure. While they were washing I wrote them each a letter that went something like this.
'Dear Janet, Hi! This is Mommy. I Love you! You are such a wonderful, energetic, intelligent, happy, beautiful, funny, kind, compassionate, healthy, strong, graceful, creative and very special person. Love you so much always. Mom. PS. You have changed my life for the better and I've been so happy to have you in it. I've learnt so much from you, like how to laugh, be kind, have fun and not worry about the small things. Thank-you.
Mary’s one differed only with various qualities unique to her. When I gave them these they were excited to get a letter (in an envelope and marked special delivery) but disappointed it wasn't some the kind of 'treasure' they imagined.
I said "Ah, but this IS treasure, the best kind, because you will have this all your life to remember when things aren't so go good'. Then I read them each their letter. Janet wanted to know why they were similar but not exactly the same and I said because you are both unique, different but there are many wonderful things you share.
She was happy with that and then wanted to go and stick it above her wall which is where she's put all the certificates she's earned at school. Mary did the same and we went to bed feeling happy. Maybe it was all a bit much all in one go but I hope we'll be able to revisit that letter when things aren't feeling so good, as a reminder of all the things I love about them.
Thanks again for all the tools! You cannot imagine what a difference it makes to our lives.
I praise her and this is how she is giving it back to me
With Johanna enjoying her evening bath she requested I sit with her and have a conversation about the day. We shared our individual highlights and I then decided to consciously acknowledge her for the ease with which she is saying good-bye to me in the mornings before school.
Ruth: ‘’I think that it is really great that you are saying good-bye to me before school so easily and happily AND that you are finding your own place on the mat without teacher support’’.
Johanna (big smile): ‘’I know, thanks.’’
Our conversation then continued for a while before I communicated that it was time to get out the bath.
Ruth: ‘’I have put your pyjamas on the heater and they will be warm now. Would you like to get dressed next to the heater or next to the fire?"
Johanna: ‘’Great job mom’’.
Ruth (puzzled expression)
Johanna: ‘’Great job mom for putting my pyjamas on the heater.Rreally mom, I mean it and I want to get dressed next to the heater please’’.
Now it was my turn for a big smile!
How my praise is now changing her life!
I have had to practice this more on Johanna than Emily as my child has gone back to her Mum. I do not have a specific list of examples I wish to relate as I have found that acknowledgement and praise presents itself more often than I thought. Often for many little actions.
I have had to practice very hard at using more effective words in the act of recognition. I have been teaching Johanna to put her hand up when she coughs. When she started observing this request I told her what a polite little girl she was. So I think in terms of my growth, my style is changing and I am beginning to break some daft ways.
Oh another one! Emily is very skilled at making tiny little models out of crazy clay. When I acknowledge what she shows me I am now using “how dexterous you are”. She did not know what this word meant but, she does now. So this exercise of using meaningful words to describe an action worthy of praise or recognition is more specific and actually teaches the child more about her own skills and what the skill or action is in language.
Perhaps children may learn quicker through this form of praise what it is we are trying to teach them. How can we expect them to be “polite” if they can’t associate actions that make one polite?
The skills accelerate the change in all of our faily members. Trying to keep up
This week has been a particularly stressful week, compared to last week which went rather smoothly. At some point this week I felt despondent, disempowered and some what disappointed. I was questioning myself, the course etc.
It was as if Ethan went to bed as 'Ethan the good' and woke up the next morning as 'Ethan the Horrible'.... He has this sense of entitlement and control, things must only be done on his terms. He is a rather challenging child on an average day so as you can imagine things have been rather tense.
This is from an eight year old and I dread to think of how a fifteen year old would be like. Joshua on the other hand is making up for lost time and has felt the need to irritate his brother, he seems to be getting a smug kick out of it. He has his own sense of entitlement.
This morning I was pondering the whole situation and broke the last month down into parts and realized that it all part of the process. This is how it is meant to be for us and I can now see the bigger picture and do not have unrealistic expectations.
We have shifted as a family and are all going through major shifts and adjustments of our own. I look at Brad and how he has had to shift in such a dramatic way in such a short period of time to keep up with Ethan and Joshua. I have had to be on my toes and try to be one step ahead of the whole family to keep everyone grounded with the progression of change.
I now can look back and think that in fact we have come pretty far and we have not too badly at all. Yes things are not perfect but they will never and we are learning “ to make lemonade when handed lemons” with the tools we have.