Problem Solving Live session recording:

Step 1:  Invitation/context setting ask permission to talk about a situation and if now is a good time.
Step 2:  The 80-10-10 three opening statements.
        - 80% talk about the child’s feelings and needs making them feel understood.
        - 10% about your needs or what needs to be done
        - 10% ask the question that invites ideas.
Step 3: List the ideas without evaluating them, making the person feel heard.
Step 4: Review the ideas, agreeing which ones you will keep and which ones you will let go.
Step 5: Summarise, and check the impact of the ideas.
Step 6: Get permission to support or hold accountable.
Step 7: Set date and time for next check- in.
Step 8: Share base default understanding.

length: 35 minutes of explanations and solutions

The purpose of this exercise is to support you in accelerating your skills development in reflective listening.

Reflective Listening: You reflect back the same content of what the person has shared with you but using your own words. It can be a bit like translating what they have said into your own words, ensuring that the meaning stays the same. This shows your listener that you must have understood what they said (but not necessarily the motivational meaning behind it). 

• This is not about agreeing or disagreeing with what they are saying. It is an acknowledgment of their experience of their world without judging it.
• This is about them (not you, nor your ideas, nor your responses).
• You take on the goal of making them experiencing you having understood them.

• I sense your underlying concern is…
• Correct me if I'm wrong, but I sense that…
• What I hear you saying is…
• It seems that you feel that…
• I sense you mean…

Exercise 1: I will read out a list of statements, with a pause of 2 seconds before I share my thinking of how I would go about finding a possible reflective listening response. If you wish to give that example a go, then press the pause button and work out what your response would be. When you are ready, click play and hear my reasoning and final sentence. There are 6 examples in this clip.

The purpose of this exercise is to support you in re-training your response time to some of the most common everyday situations of when we say No or Don't or Stop.

We have given you some possible wordings of the responses to these situations, but please don't see these as absolute and definitive.They are a start.

Also, the use of word 'please' depends on certain situations and we have no specific rule for this. We suggest you determine if the specific circumstance you find yourself in requires a gentler approach, then use is as it does soften the statement.  

We also suggest that if you have alternative responses that work better for you then please use those. Ultimately, the aim of this process is to support you in finding a respectful and positive response that will get you the cooperation you require, at no expense to yourself.

We have also found that the more 'fluent' and confident you are in your alternative responses (ie there is no hesitation in your response), then the more powerful your communication will be.

That is why we have designed the following exercise to help you learn some responses so they are on the tip of your tongue.

Exercise 1: I will read out a list of negative statements, with a pause of 4 seconds before I share what I feel could be an appropriate response. The 4 second pause is an opportunity for you to practice your own response.  Then I will read out the next negative statement and wait another 4 seconds before sharing another appropriate response.

Exercise 2: I will read out a list of negative statements with a pause of 3 seconds before moving on to the next statement (I will not be reading out the appropriate response. This exercise is best used when you are already familiar with your appropriate responses and just want to test yourself quickly)

Exercise 3: I will read out the same list of negative statements as above in exercise 2 but in a different order and with decreased timing.

The purpose of this exercise is to support you in the skills in being able to continue a conversation, or to deepen it.  We want to be able to provide our children with a container in which explore their thoughts, ideas and feelings about their world.

These skills range through the reflective listening skills and are mostly top surface and more superficial in that we are not going for their underlying drive or motivation.

The idea is to generate a safe environment where your child does not feel judged or labelled. By reflecting back to the child, you create a space for them to deepen their understanding and expression of their feelings and perspectives.

Perhaps the most important component for you the listener, is to come from a space of enquiry. In other words, your attitude and reflections are non-judgemental, and always phrased as though you are open to being corrected if you understood your child wrong.

We always use words like, it seems as if, it sounds like, I hear that, what comes up is....Words like these have an implicitness of being open to change, or correction. They are not definitive and judgemental.

Although there may be times when this seems strange or you can't find the reflective wording, don't worry. With practise, this skill becomes incredibly fluent. But it takes practise to train your brain to look for key words, and later on, their underlying motivations.

That is why we have designed the following exercise to help you learn some responses so they are on the tip of your tongue.

We have split up the exercises into age ranges (age 5, age 10, and age 16) to give a sense of the different kinds of things that age range may say. Each age range has the same practice structure as the other ones. I encourage you to practise ALL of them as learning these skills is not about age ranges, but about your ability to listen and respond.

Age 5 group:

Exercise 1: I will read out a list of statements that your child may come up with. There will be a pause of 5 seconds before I share what I feel could be an appropriate response. Then I will read out the next statement and wait another 5 seconds before sharing another appropriate response.

Exercise 3: I will read out the same list of statements as above in exercise 2 but in a different order and with decreased timing.

Age 10 group:

Exercise 1: I will read out a list of statements that your child may come up with. There will be a pause of 5 seconds before I share what we feel could be an appropriate response. Then I will read out the next statement and wait another 5 seconds before sharing another appropriate response.

Exercise 3: I will read out the same list of statements as above in exercise 2 but in a different order and with decreased timing.

Age 16 group:

Exercise 1: I will read out a list of statements that your child may come up with. There will be a pause of 5 seconds before I share what we feel could be an appropriate response. Then I will read out the next statement and wait another 5 seconds before sharing another appropriate response.

Exercise 3: I will read out the same list of statements as above in exercise 2 but in a different order and with decreased timing.