For the last three weeks when it comes to Saturday it has become a complete nightmare with Sammy. He wakes up and whines and moans and just seems to be unhappy.

It got to a point where it was upsetting the whole family.  I asked Sammy on a couple of occasions what it was that was bothering him. Initially he could not figure it out himself, but after a while he was able to verbalize what he was feeling and that he did not enjoy being in the mood that he was in, he just does not enjoy whining and being the way he was.

I listened to him as he explained what he was feeling inside and how he was able to own up to his emotions and that he really wanted to do something about it. So I suggested that he write down a list of things of what he can do to support himself when he feels frustrated as he has been feeling during the weekend lately.

He wrote a list and brought it to me and I told him that this was his and that he must use it to support himself during the weekend. This was also a lovely way for me to see what he would like to do and I said to him that I was more that happy to participate with a couple of the things (not all) he has written on the list.

We will see how it goes this weekend but by me engaging with him and helping him identify what he can do to help himself made him feel not only supported but also empowered.

Tonight, Brian (my youngest of two and a half years old) was postponing bed for about 15 mins with all kinds of futile ideas.

I said, “Come lets go to bed Brian!”
“NO! I don't want to go to bed.” He was clearly upset, his foot stomping down and looking at me very determined.
I tried a different tactic by showing him I wanted to understand. I said "So it sounds like you don't want to go to bed now?"
“No!”

I said to him that I would love to take him to bed now and I would like to know what I could do to take him to bed without him crying?

Surprisingly, he just said, “Ok we can go now”. I could not believe this. It is as though my just showing him that I had wanted to understand was the puzzle that unlocked him. YES!

On Monday I arrived at my children's new school 15 minutes early to pick up my boys. While I waited, I decided to read the notes from the course. Time came to fetch my boys and so all inspired from the notes, off I went.... As I approached Sammy before we had a chance to greet one another he asked:

Sammy: “Am I going to my old school to say goodbye on Wednesday?”

Me: “ yes”

Sammy: “I am not going!”

Me: “ but we have to go... We are just going to go and say goodbye, we will not stay for long”

Sammy: “I DON’T WANT TO GO AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME”

Me: “Come on it’s the right thing to do and I have made the arrangements already so we are going.”

Sammy: “I am not going!”

Me: “SIGH”

Well that set the mood for our beautiful scenic drive home over Ou Kaapseweg. Needless to say it was like squeezing blood out of a stone to find out how the day went at school. Later on that afternoon I was preparing dinner when I had a “light bulb” moment. I realized that there was something about his old school whether it be an emotion, a person or the environment that did not make him feel good.

When he came to ask me something I sat down with him:

Me: “You know what, I think I know why you do not want to go say goodbye at your old school” , he looked at me curiously, I continued “you do not get a good feeling in your tummy when you think of your old school?”

Sammy: “yes, I don’t”

Me: “ok, now I understand. When we go I will be with you. We can take some delicious doughnuts and give your gift to your teacher, say goodbye to your class and that is all you have to do”

Sammy: “ ok”

We went to Sammy’s old school and when he arrived he got a huge wonderful welcome from all the boys. He really felt very special and was very happy to have gone to say his goodbye.

Jason had been sick for a couple of days and had been off school. I told him that he was returning to school the next day, and he said that he didn’t want to go to school. I humoured him, and the conversation went like this:

Me: “but you wouldn’t want to miss playball tomorrow would you?”

Jason “ Oh No – I love playball.”

Me: “ Okay, we will tell your teacher that you are just coming to school for playball, and then you will come home again. But what about show and tell, are you happy to miss that?”

Jason “ Oh no, I want to go to show and tell – and playball, but come home for the other things.”

Me: “ Okay, just for playball, and show and tell, but what about story time?”

And so the conversation continued, until he wanted to be there for everything except for snack time – he decided he would pop home for snack time. We then decided that if he had something fun in his lunchbox it would also definitely be worth staying for that too. It really was a fun conversation, and Jason was laughing and very engaged as he felt very empowered.

It was a great way for him to realise that he in fact loved school, and I didn’t have to do any persuading!

Liam caught his finger in a lid of a Tupperware, and started to whine. Rather than dismissing him, I asked him lots of questions about the pain, one of which was whether it felt like a crab had pinched him. 

The tears stopped instantly, as he was very intrigued by what a crab pinch felt like and he happily carried on a conversation about crabs, and their pinches and when they would pinch etc.

Although I know that this isn’t really acknowledging his emotions, I still did something different and it was better than what I was doing before!

I woke up after having a bad night sleep and had a grumpy 7 year old on my hands at the same time. My son hates his school shoes and socks as the socks slip down and go to his toes. He says this happens all the time and he makes sure he tells me about it all the time. 

This particular morning it was his socks, a sore on his arm and his school top was now upsetting him more. But this time I used the skills we learnt and really listened. I looked at his arm, acknowledged his feelings and asked what we could do to make it feel better.

He came up with a plaster idea and we made our way to the kitchen and sorted it out.  The morning was calm after that and what I have noticed is that when I take the time to acknowledge his experience and deal with it, the drive to school is calm and everyone is happy verses a downhill mayhem – amazing. 

On Saturday Bonnie was very upset with one of her friends, she went into her room and was screaming and tearing up a magazine, I went into her room and was listening to what she was saying. “I have no luck and my life is hard and nothing ever goes right for me”.

In the past I have dismissed her or told her that she was being silly but I decided to try something different and asked her to close her eyes. I then made all kinds of weird noises and told her to open her hands. I placed 2 magical bags in her hands, the one had luck in it and he other one had love.

I then pretended that I was sprinkling magic dust of love and luck on her from the bags, then made a big deal about tying the bags up and told her to keep them safe in her pockets. It worked so well, she stopped crying almost immediately and told me she loved me so much.

I was very surprised that it worked so well. I have been including fantasy into our lives everyday since then, it is really great and it brings a fun element into parenting.

Today was a very powerful session (and quite emotional too) and my husband and I were reflecting tonight how much we’re enjoying the course. Then – the challenge presented itself.

Background - Jack asked for a “duvet day” yesterday (he’s allowed one a term) and he was up and down to the loo several times that morning (a clear sign that he’s feeling anxious) so that’s what we did. This morning was all fine until we got a message from Tessa that Jack was not feeling well, so we ended up taking him home at eleven.

He said he was feeling sick but was fine at home, playing and teasing his brother etc. Then bedtime…., he said he was feeling sick and again up and down to the loo. Each time one of us wanted to leave his side he became quite panicky and said he wanted to come downstairs with us, he was feeling sick.

After an hour and a half I was doing the usual asking if there was anything he was worried about and “Jack, I believe you’re feeling sick, but you’re NOT sick, I’m just downstairs and I’ve got to go and cook supper for dad and I”.

Panicked, teary child downstairs two minutes later and “I wish I could go to sleep, but I can’t”. So up I went again and was just lying with him, quietly but silently frustrated as he made another trip to the loo and then asked for yet another minute when I said I had to go. And then I thought about our session this morning, about being present with our children, praising them and acknowledging the people in our lives.

I said something along the lines of that I was really proud of him the way he had dealt with the move to his new school, that he had made friends and his teacher thought he was really special, and he was happy to go to school again and enjoying learning and that his new school looked like it was really working for him.

I went on to say that his body was telling me that something wasn’t working for him right now and it could be at home, school or about life but in the same way that I was trying hard to tell him and his brother when the situation wasn’t working for me (rather than just lose my temper and shout -and scare them), I needed him to tell me what wasn’t working for him so we could look at how we could make it work for him – in the Synergy way!

I asked if he wanted to share anything and he said no, so I told him I didn’t need to know right now but when he felt he had something to share, I was ready to listen. The tension in his little body eased immediately. I left, he came downstairs to cuddle while I was cooking and when I went upstairs five minutes later, he was asleep. On reflection, I guess it was just observing and describing what was going on rather than asking for answers and trying to fix the problem. Powerful Stuff!!

Fenn has been really unhappy this week and I tired the skills of listening and fantasy. I am so surprised about how well this works.

Fenn was crying because of staying at home around the swimming pool instead of going to the beach and sea. I first conveyed to him my understanding that he thought that the sea was nicer than being in the swimming pool water (in other words making him feel understood