If you don't know which techniques of yours are damaging your child, then how will you be able to change them?
This lecture covers some of the default ways most parents are currently using to get their children to cooperate.
Take note that they ALL are based in the negative and undermine the child. The result.... your child feels fear, guilt and powerless!
Are you a shouter? 88% of parents find themselves shouting at their children and nearly all of them feel guilty afterwards.
When some people get angry they turn this anger inward and go quiet (and the anger burns inside). Other people vent this anger outward, and often this comes out as yelling and shouting.
And although this may be your default experience, you can change this with the skills I cover in this lesson.
Increase your awareness of what triggers you, learn how to express your anger intelligently and appropriately so your children hear you instead of fear you, and then find ways to practice saying this.
Just by knowing WHAT to do instead of yelling will help in over 40% of the yelling situations you find yourself in.
The teenage years can be incredibly confusing for both the child, and for us as parents.
Sometime our teenage children do things that totally boggle our minds, leave us wondering how they can be so 'stupid' or 'unconscious'. Why do they take such big risks... do they know that they can go to jail for life if they did that again?
The parent in this lesson asked me the appropriate way to speak to his teen son who had started missing school classes and didn't show any care that he was now in trouble.
The idea behind this lesson is how to get children to think and process their actions without us risking them shutting down the conversation with "Just leave me alone... you don't understand'.
By coming from a 'space of inquiry' and asking more questions than giving advice, we create a space for our teenagers to think through their actions, and out of this, take greater responsibility.
The sudden outburst of anger and shouting can surprise a parent as much as their child.
If often arises from a deep raw emotion and quickly wells up and becomes overwhelming. And it can be incredibly difficult to stop it when you are deep in the heart of it.
In this lesson I share three things that a parent can do in this situations.
- Learn new skills that will prevent you from getting to this kind of situation in the first place. Learn how to invite cooperation instead of having to resort to punishment and harsh boundaries. This is not just wishy-washy skills but strategic steps (more like a science than magic).
- Increase you own levels of emotional intelligence and shift from being a reactive parent to a responsive one. Put in the effort to do some personal development work.
- Learn how to apologize effectively (and this is not just about saying sorry) and take responsibility for what happened in the shouting and repair the broken trust and connectedness between you.
Being an emotionally intelligent parent is not about being perfect, or getting it right. It's about being in relationship and working with the challenging situations that arise, leaving everyone feeling empowered and their needs taken to heart.
As our children develop, so they are learning about their own emotions during this stage. It can really help for a parent to see their role in supporting their children make meaning of these emotions, instead of blaming and accusing their children for having them.
A good example of changing your wording can be seen below:
Instead of saying "You are a bad boy." or "You are wrong."
Label the behavior instead of the person: "That is the wrong behaviour'.
But to make it really powerful, understand that an even better way to say this is to label it as "INAPPROPRIATE" behaviour, instead of bad or wrong.
Getting teenagers to listen to your suggestions, your advice and your boundaries is one of the stages of childhood that parents dread the most.
The most important part of dealing with teenagers is the degree to which you can make them feel you are also on their side, EVEN when you put in place your firm boundaries.
The challenge for parents of teenagers is in HOW to assert the authority and control in a way that keeps the teenager feeling she still has autonomy and feels empowered.
When a parent realises that their default parenting style was not really their choice but more of something inherited from their own parents and culture, then new possibilities open up.
But it is not your FAULT for this… you did not choose this as you were growing up.... but now it is your responsibility to do something about it.
As I write this, my child is currently being bullied at school. So the things I share in this lesson come from direct experience that produces results.
And the irony is that supporting Cailin (aged 9) is actually the 'easy' part. It is trying to support and handle her mom that is the challenge.
When your child is bullied, such intense emotions arise, often evoking thoughts of wanting to go to school the next year and confront the child yourself.
But now YOU become the bully of a young child. And so the cycle repeats itself.
It takes a lot of emotional intelligence for a parent to apply the skills I teach in this lesson. But if you are able to hold and process your own emotions, you will be able to turn this tragic situation into an incredible learning process that will development the strength and character of your child.
Parents are getting angry when children are just not taking responsibility for making things work.
It's a great test of patience when you apply a new skill you have learned, only to find your child throws it back in your face, leaving you feeling depleted and angry.
But don't panic! This is what conscious and intelligent parenting is all about. We begin to expect the unexpected, and learn how to handle all the curve balls so we can continue getting that FLOW back into the family.
This lesson is a great one in how to ABSORB their comments, and then REDIRECT them back to what you are needing.
The value of getting a child to do extra homework is not about force feeding them with irrelevant information and time consuming content, but in supporting them in the skills of self discipline, planning, organisational development and perseverance.
But regardless of the REASON as to why your child has extra homework to do, the skills needed to get them to do so can be the same.
We have found that what works best is to focus on the values that underpin the extra work, and not on the actual content of the work.
So if your child has extra MATH to catch up, what we aim to develop (and celebrate), is increasing her self discipline to stay focused, and to persevere, in spite of her being bored and wanting to give up.
These internal values (characteristics) are what support her in being successful in whatever she takes on in life. These values are within her control, and reflect the effort she puts in.
Learn how to tap into this motivational drive and then extra homework becomes easier.
As a pre-school teacher and then a primary school principal, my staff and I found many creative and intelligent ways to help families overcome the heartbreaking challenges of separation anxiety.
The key focus in separation anxiety is in supporting the transference of trust and safety from parent to school. And this will nearly always be done by building the quality of the relationship the child experiences in the school environment.
By increasing a child's sense of belonging and sense of connectedness at school, their willingness to stay at school and explore new challenges increases.
This lesson gives you examples of what to do, and how to empower yourself to do that, in spite of a school that ignores your requests for support. You don't have to wait for the school to sort this out. Take charge and make it happen!