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Displaying items by tag: cooperation

Are star charts just another form of Bribery?

And how can you keep a child motivated over a long period of time?

And how do you determine what the prize/ celebration will be?

In all my research on Star charts, there is only one basic model, and it really only works in certain situations, and for a short amount of time.

That's not good enough for me. So I want to share some of my clever, intelligent and succesfull models.

Published in Cooperation

Rene has asked for a pay-rise on two previous occasions. She was now angry ,frustrated, and impatient. And then she realised that her boss was a high "C" in the disc profile and she was approaching him with her high "D" profile. So she figured out what to do and got her pay rise.

Watch the video to see how she did it.

length: 05:15

Have you had that situation where you apply a skill and it doesn't work?

So you apply a variation of the skill, and it still doesn't work? Your child replies with, "I don't want to..."

Well this happened to Mari and she asked me what she could do...

This video was my reply, taking her deeper into the insights of the skill of "Setting the boundary and giving choices within the boundary."

length: 13:25

Published in Boundaries

This will help you understand your parenting style better.

A few weeks ago (17th May, you can see it here)I posted a blog on how you can do the DISC personality profile test (worth $250) for free. And below are some interpretations on how those scores relate to your parenting style and why some of that 'FLOW' in the home may not be working as well as you want.

I am a high 'S' and 'C' type whcih means I love stability, routine and attention to detail. No wonder I am good at setting boundaries and ensuring they are kept. My profile is also great at doing it the correct way the first time (great for getting cooperation and discipline).

But I'm a low 'I' which means I am more introverted and 'cool'. The children find me less approachable, and difficult to read. It now makes sense why I spend so much time on learning communication skills because I was never a natural. I had to learn all the tricks so I could get the results I need.

Here are my last 2 days of work on finding insights and material so you can interpet your own scores form the perspective of parenting and better understand why you parent the style you do, and how you can avoid some of the mistakes you didn't know the causes of.

Published in Being a parent

Although not usually bothered by where my son leaves his shoes, I decided I had to try out what I had learnt in session 2 inviting cooperation. My son (Angus) had been unusually compliant and I was running out of time to test the theory out before our next session.

I first told Angus "Sweetie, your shoes are on the floor." and was told "I know Mum, I put them there."
I then gave him the information "But don't shoes live in cupboards or on feet?"

Angus replied " Yes, but not when I take them off to watch tv - then they belong on the floor in a mess."  I then came out with "Angus, SHOES!"
To which he replied " Mum, SHOES WHAT?"

So, I made a wrinkled up nose face and put on a strange accent and said, "I am the monster that smells cheesy, stinky shoes and I can smell some in this room. I have to tickle anyone who hasn't put cheesy, sticky shoes away in a cupboard!"

Angus jumped up, ran out the room with his shoes, laughing his little head off and put the shoes in his cupboard.
I duly put a note in the cupboard near his shoes.

Dear Angus. We love this dark, smelly cupboard, please put us back here when you have finished wearing us. Love your cheesy, stinky shoes.

When we put his shoes on the next morning, he was fascinated by the note and asked me what it said. As I told him the giggles began again.

Published in Cooperation

Have you said this before in an attempt to gert your children to eat or pack away?

  • "Do you know how many children there are in the world who do not have food?"
  • "How would you like it if I gave all your toys away to the children who don't have any toys? maybe that would teach you to look after them."

Length: 1 minute



This interview is part of longer one on SAFM radio. The longer one can be heard here

Published in Cooperation

The chores of a township child are very different to those of a rich suburb child. But are the skills used to get both these children to cooperate the same?

A short clip on this: 1 minute


Published in Cooperation

I had the pleasure last Sunday of taking Betty (8yrs) and Jane (5yrs) out shopping for Mother’s day gifts. Needless to say, both girls wanted to buy their Mums favourite chocolates so this took us into the sweets domain!

I wondered, how I was going to deal with this one – buy chocs for their Mums and not give in to their pleas for sweets too. A bit of forward planning helped and some skills from the course.

As we entered Pick ‘n Pay, I gently reminded the girls that we were there to buy chocs for the Mums. We then entered the sweets aisle and my heart pounded! I guided them into selecting the best chocs for their Mums and kept them focussed on this intention. Then the requests came.

So I reminded them again of the purpose of the mission but, that we could have a good look at all the chocolates and sweets and pretend to eat them all. So we went on a sweet adventure. Didn’t last all that long as their fantasies seemed to abate after a while and then they were keen to see the toy section next.

Once again I readily agreed but, reminded them of the purpose of the shopping venture. When we got to the toy section, there were two cheap bottles of bubbles so I said to each child that they may have one bottle each and that we would then have a good look at all the other toys. Happy that they had at least achieved one small toy, they were quite content to look at all the others without even asking for another toy.

They both enjoyed the toy fantasy and were soon ready to head off and finish Mother’s Day shopping without even a prompt from me. Clearly their fantasies in the toy section had also been fulfilled. Maybe I did not win altogether by buying two toys (R8,95 each) but, it was a lot better than any previous visits to toy sections where I may have spent at least R50 or R60 on one child only.

That day I got away with R17,90 for the two girls and I might add that the bubbles kept them busy for quite a while in the garden when we got home. After these two “dangerous” areas were behind me, the next store revealed expensive jewellery etc. A new challenge developed.

Now I was not going to buy the girls anything so after the previous store practice runs I engaged in fantasy altogether. Even letting the girls try on various pearl necklaces and telling them how wonderful they looked. They didn’t even ask me to buy anything and we emerged from this expensive store with a coffee mug and bath fizzer for each Mum. A better run. In fact a total victory!

Published in Cooperation

Today, I was struggling to get Tyler and Oliver (both 3 years old) inside the classroom from the balcony, to settle down with some work. After describing that the washing line on the balcony would break if hung upon and that we need to be gentle with it, and reminding them of the groundrules for the balcony, I still had no success!

By this point I was frustrated and losing my patience as this had been going on and on and off for about 15 minutes. Aware of my feelings, I knelt down to their level and looked them in the eyes and calmly yet assertively said: “I feel angry when people do not listen to what I say!”

I wasn’t sure this sat right with me? So I had another go and said: “ I feel angry when my words are not heard!” With that I extended my hand to lead them back to the classroom and they followed.

I have been generalising alot this week (this was my goal), but I have often struggled to find a way of saying what I need to say. I noticed myself replacing “you” with “children” (eg. “I feel angry when children do not listen to me!”). This still did not sit right with me. I have therefore started using “people” since (as in above weekly example with Oliver and Tyler).

I also found that this sentence is so much more powerful: “I feel angry when I am ignored!”

I have also enjoyed using the short and sweet skill eg. “packaway” or “snackmat” etc. I have found it very simple and effective!!!

Published in Guidance

I have been really making a conscious effort to acknowledge my girls this week. One day when I needed to take Lucy to an appointment straight after school I asked Belinda if she would stay home with Zuki, our Domestic.

Belinda doesn’t really like being left behind and usually kicks up a bit of a fuss but she agreed in the end. I fully expected her to fall asleep but when we got back she was wide awake and had been playing happily for a couple of hours on her own.

I especially thanked her for playing so nicely while we were out and told her that I thought that was really patient of her. She said: ‘Okay, mom’, but it seemed like she was quite chuffed. What has been interesting is that in the days since then if I have to quickly pop out she has been a lot more accommodating and instead of a whole long discussion, she just says, ‘okay, but don’t be too long!’.

Published in Praise
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