You want your child to be more polite and respectful.

But how do you get that? And how do you get her to feel inspired to take on that challenge?

Robin shows you the results of a problem solving session where she rated herself at a 4 out of 10 in being respectful at the beginning of the session, and ended off with a big smile and inspired by the possibilty of being 10 out of 10 and a role model for her family!

 Read more...

Chad was a child who had trouble expressing his anger and the parents informed me that there was a lot of sibling rivalry between him and his younger sister. Chad often hit children and we had already tried all of the skills. There came a day when I took Chad outside, to a quite place.

“Chad it looks like you have quite a few friends and you love playing with all of them. I notice that one of your best friends is Ashwin and you guys play with the cars mst of the morning. At times, it also looks like that some of the other children seem to annoy you and that makes you want to make them go away. It seems that as you do this, some children are getting hurt. We now need to think about how else we can support you to make sure everyone is treated respectfully.”

Taking a piece of paper, we wrote down all our ideas.

Robert: “What do you think Robert should do if Chad keeps hitting other children?”

Silence.

Robert: “Well, Robert could hit Chad back……..”

Silence.

 Robert: “We could go talk to the principal……?”

Writing down all the ideas, Chad said, “I could go inside and sit on the mat.”

Robert, writing, “Mmmm, Chad could come inside and find something to do on the mat."
Robert:  “And if Chad keeps hitting the children?”
Chad: “I could go to teacher Lamees’s class”
Robert: “Okay, lets put that down as well. Chad could go to teacher Lamees’s class. Lets look at what we have written. Robert could hit Chad, Chad could go to the principal, Chad could go inside and Chad could go to Lamees’s mat. Let’s cross out what isn’t acceptable. Robert doesn’t hit Chad so we cross that out. How about going to see the principal?”

Chad shakes his head and I cross that out. Sitting on the mat had not proven successful so I said, “I see that Chad still hits other children so we need to think of another thing. How about going to Lamees’s class?”

Chad nods his head.

Robert: “How long do you think you should stay there?”
Chad: “ Two weeks:”
Robert: “Two weeks? That’s a long time. I think two days is okay. What do you think?”
Chad agrees. We then write out on a paper, “If Chad hits other children then he will go to Teacher Lamees’s class for two days. Signed. Robert and Chad.” We both signed the paper and then I photocopied the agreement and gave him the original and I put the copy on the board so we would be reminded of our agreement. Chad restrained himself from hitting other children for a long time after that.

We were driving home from school when Cailin wanted her lunch box. When she was finished eating she asked me from the back seat to take the box as she had no space in the back.  I said to her: “Babes, please keep the box with you or find another space until we get home to put it for now as mommy needs to concentrate whilst driving”. 

The next minute this pink lunch box came flying past me as she threw it towards the front of the car.  I pulled off to the side of the road, turned to Cailin and said in a firm voice: “Cailin, this is not on. Mommy is now angry with you for not listening to me when I asked you to keep the box with you for now. When we goe home we can discuss this again when Mommy will be ready to talk to you”.

I continued our drive and after a minute Cailin said: “Mommy, I am ready to talk now”.

I said to her: “Cailin, I said that mommy will talk to you when I am ready”. 

When we stopped at home about 5 minutes later, I turned to Cailin and said: “Mommy is now ready and would like to talk to you about the lunch box incident”.

Cailin responded: “Ok, mommy I am ready too.” I then said to her: “When we drive in the car we need to be safe and Mommy can’t look to the back as I need to concentrate on the road ahead”. 

As I wanted to continue the conversation Cailin amazed me when she passed the lunch box to the front and she put it nicely on the front seat saying:  “Mommy, next time I will put the box like this on the seat, ok?”

I said to her:  “Thanks babes, Mommy really appreciates it when you come up with good ideas.

About 3 days later we were again driving in the car.  Cailin just finished her fruit juice and in a soft voice said to me: “Mommy, see this is how I will put my juice in the front when you are driving”. She then leaned forward and she gently put her juice box in the middle consol of the car.

On our way to school today I asked Cailin what we needed to do with the Barbie (which she had taken from th school the day before) when we arrived at school.  She said: “Mommy, when you gone I will speak to Malie, (her teacher) only when you gone”. 

I realised that she didn’t want me to support her in this process and at the same time I was a bit nervous that she would not engage Malie around the Barbie incident.  I then asked her what she is going to say to Malie, and she replied:  “It was an accident. I took the Barbie home”. 

As I wanted to complete the process by asking her what we can do next time so that it doesn’t happen again Cailin said: “I will say to Malie, next time I will only hold the Barbie during story time and when we finished I will give it to back”.

As we arrived at school she saw Malie at the tree and she asked me to move away as she wanted to speak to Malie.  I wanted to share with Malie around the incident before Cailin does so I said to Cailin tha she must wait here and I will ask Malie to come to her.

I also assured her that I will go and put her bag in the locker so she can have privacy when sharing with Malie. I briefly shared with Malie what happened last night and how Robin dealt with the incident and what Cailin wants to share with her. Malie then walked to Cailin where they had their little meeting. 

Later Malie shared with me that Cailin did share that she took the Barbie by accident and that she will ask Malie next time.” I then later asked Cailin how the meeting went, she replied: “She said that next time I must ask then I can take it and bring it back again”.

We were outside enjoying the sunshine over the weekend when I suggested to Jane (age 5) and Betty (age 8) that we put down a blanket so that I could do the henna tattoos on their tummies that they had been asking for. Both girls immediately expressed that they wanted to be painted first.

I just listened, hoping they would resolve the conflict on their own – they did not. I started by acknowledging that I understood that they both liked to be first and asked them how they thought we could solve this so that both girls were happy and without me having to find the solution for them.

They both thought for a while and then went straight back to ‘’I want to be first’’. I felt that they were not going to be able to find a solution on their own so I offered them ideas on what the other child could do while the first tattoo was being done, suggestions like catching butterflies with the fishing net, sitting and watching the tattoo design to decide if they wanted the same or something different or maybe colouring in on the blanket while I was busy.

Betty then decided it was ok that Jane go first but as soon as Betty did not express her interest in going first anymore Jane decided that she didn’t mind not going first either and wanted Betty to be first. Betty then ended up going first while Jane watched and both girls were happy once I had finished both tummies.

The girls were obviously unable to resolve the conflict without some interference from me but something happened that resulted in all of us being ok with the situation. What I found very interesting was that as soon as Jane, the younger child, heard Betty express no further desire to be first, she lost interest in being first – almost as if there was no longer a battle of their wills, and Jane then really wanted Betty to be first.

I had 2 instances this weekend where I used the skills we have been exposed to so far.  The challenge for me was that in both instances parents of the other children were present.  I felt very uncomfortable as I knew what went through their minds whilst they kept quite through the process.  However, I was successful in both instances, phewwww.....
 
Saturday night Cailin and Jessie-Lee both wanted Cailin's little purse full of money. Jessie-Lee had it at first but was soon snatched from her by Cailin.  Jessie-Lee started crying so I told Cailin that I will keep the purse on the table as we have a challenge in that both children wanted the same thing. Cailin started shouting at Jessie-Lee with the usual: " I don't like you! I am not your best friend!"

By then we had both children crying.  I asked Jessie-Lee what she would like from Cailin so that this does not happen again.  She kept quite and did not want to respond. The same happened when I asked Cailin. I then told them that we will chat about it later and we will try and resolve it when they are both ready.

Cailin then smiled and said: "Let's jump on the trampoline". I knew my response would be that she can't so I tried putting it into questions. By then Jessie-Lee was also very excited to go outside. I asked the girls how we could jump when it is dark outside - Cailin was very quick and said: "Let's take the torch"..... I was outsmarted.

So I asked them how we could jump when it is freezing cold outside - Cailin answered: "Let's put our jerseys on"...... outsmarted AGAIN.....  I then asked how we could jump if children have snotty noses - Cailin again answered: "Let's get the tissues" and off she went to get the toilet paper.  
 
Jessie-Lee and Cailin blew their noses time after time until their noses were stone dry. Cailin then saw the purse on the table and said to Jessie-Lee whilst taking it: "Come Jessie-Lee let's share the money and let's play". Jessie-Lee very happily joined her on the floor. 

I then knew that this was the time to conclude the conflict resolution. I asked Cailin what she would like from Jessie-Lee in future so what happened earlier can be avoided and she answered: "I want Jessie-Lee to share the purse". I asked Cailin to tell that to Jessie-Lee which she did and she added spontaneously: "Sorry for shouting at you". I asked Jessie-Lee the same and she said that they must share. They left the table and played like old friends again.

For the last three weeks when it comes to Saturday it has become a complete nightmare with Sammy. He wakes up and whines and moans and just seems to be unhappy.

It got to a point where it was upsetting the whole family.  I asked Sammy on a couple of occasions what it was that was bothering him. Initially he could not figure it out himself, but after a while he was able to verbalize what he was feeling and that he did not enjoy being in the mood that he was in, he just does not enjoy whining and being the way he was.

I listened to him as he explained what he was feeling inside and how he was able to own up to his emotions and that he really wanted to do something about it. So I suggested that he write down a list of things of what he can do to support himself when he feels frustrated as he has been feeling during the weekend lately.

He wrote a list and brought it to me and I told him that this was his and that he must use it to support himself during the weekend. This was also a lovely way for me to see what he would like to do and I said to him that I was more that happy to participate with a couple of the things (not all) he has written on the list.

We will see how it goes this weekend but by me engaging with him and helping him identify what he can do to help himself made him feel not only supported but also empowered.

Niki and her friend Ammie were making a cake, but both wanted to be first at pouring the milk in the bowl.
Niki: you're always first
Ammie: no you're always first, I want to be first
Mom, using the skills of describing the problem. Hey guys, I see two children who both want to pour milk in and there is only one bowl. How can we find a way to make this work?
Ammie: I've got a brilliant idea! At my house you can be first and at you're house, I can be first, ok?
Niki: Ok.

Even though it’s not quite the answer that I would have wanted, it was still creative and seemed to work for them. No fighting.

Johanna (aged 5) and Emily (aged 8) began arguing about a teddy bear that each child was convinced was theirs. My support and belief in their individual stories was exuberantly campaigned.  I listened for a while and thought about how I was going to support the girls in resolving this conflict on their own.

Ruth:  ‘’It seems that both of you think that the teddy bear is yours. I have never seen that teddy bear before so I think that it would be best if you two find a solution to this problem.  I know that you can sort things out.’’

I then left their space and continued with what I was doing. After about 10 minutes I heard laughter and went back to the girls.

Ruth: ‘’I can see that you have both sorted out your problem.
Johanna & Emily (smiling): ‘’Yes and we didn’t need you.’’
Ruth: ‘’Great, well done.’’